quiet ramblings

the quiet ramblings of a construction worker: 04.11

Saturday, April 30

If you don't know, now you know...

German standard manhole cover with infills of ...Image via WikipediaIt's been another week full of people on each commute to piss me off.  A particular lady really got the best of me this week.  First of all, she was driving way too slow for my comfort and psychological well being.  Sometimes I think that there are people out driving around, with no purpose whatsoever but add to traffic.  Kinda like the movie the Truman Show, when he tries to leave the "island", all kinds of cars just show up to block his way.  Am I the only one who has a fixed destination?  So this particular lady has one of the strangest driving habits I've ever seen.  Keep in mind she's forming what's known as a "Mexican Roadblock" with the adjacent car, with only two lanes to choose from.  So naturally I'm about 3 inches from her bumper in an attempt to give her a clue like, "hey lady get the hell out of my way!"  She didn't get the memo.  What she was doing was swerving as if there was something dangerous in the road.  Due to my limited vision of anything other than the back of her Camry, I was forced to follow suite.  After dodging three, of what must been some type of large animals in the road, my neuro-pathways refused to subscribe to such coincidence.

I backed up enough to see what we were both swerving for; and what I saw was so astonishing that my mind sailed away from all things present in search of a valid explanation for this crazy behavior.  This lady was swerving for manhole covers.  As a general rule I don't swerve for anything other than potholes of a minimum 3" depth or animals that are tall enough to meet my gaze.  Anything else will be absorbed by the engineering of my truck.  But here we have this crazy lady swerving to protect herself from manhole covers.  What fear could possibly enter the human mind creating a need to conciously swerve around all manhole covers?  How could you even live with that type of anxiety?  Is she affraid that the cover will give and her entire car will be engulfed?  So there I was, all day long.  She's the idiot, yet I can not focus for the rest of the day because I can't believe what I just saw.  What I want to know is- why was this not addressed during her driving test?  Surely at some point the person administering the exam would say, "What the hell are you doing lady?"

But nooooo, we give all these idiots licenses.  And you wonder why people go postal...
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Saturday, April 23

Easter Bunny...

Tomorrow is Easter.  By some miracle I remembered to get all the crap that the Easter Bunny will get credit for.  Not only is it a miracle that I already got all that stuff, but that I did it because I foresaw that my wife would not be here on Saturday night and there would be no one to watch the kids, while I go to the store at midnight.  There's no specific strategy to going at midnight the night before, that's just when I remember to do it.  I could tell that even on Friday certain Easter products were running low, but you wouldn't believe what the store looks like at midnight the night before Easter or Valentines (pretty much the night before any holiday you can catch me walking into the only place open [Walmart], as I'm swearing at myself the whole time.).  When I roll in at my regular time they act like the holiday has already passed.  They're marking down items and moving them to some clearance isle.  They put up festive crap for the next holiday.  I always feel like people are glaring at me, when they see how much stuff I'm trying to purchase.  Usually at that time, anybody in there is just picking up a few last things.  I'm there to get everything.

At that point I realize that I'm going to have to make a lot of none holiday items look festive.  I also start bargaining with the employees for a markdown on open candy.  I strategically set up three different bartering stations, 2 near the holiday section and one on the other side of the store.  This way I can catch people with stuff in their carts that is sold out.  This part tends to involve creativity and manipulation.  I'm offering people tickets to concerts and sporting events that I don't even have tickets for.  Anything to get them to give up a giant Hersey Kiss or pascal colored M&Ms.  Sometimes we just have a thumb war or arm wrestling, of course there is always that one creeper in a trench coat that asks me to act like a dragon.

It is way too labor intensive.  I thought that if I took my kids to the movie Hop, they could realize that the Easter Bunny isn't real.  It was the perfect plan.  I'd act just as surprised as them, then I wouldn't get blamed for breaking the news.  Not only did it not crush the myth, it encouraged them.  I had to sit through that crap for 90 minutes.  Very disappointed...

Wednesday, April 20

Hanna...

Tonight Wifey and I managed to pull off date night.  Thanks to our support group (the in-laws), the children were cared for so that we could go out and pretend that we know how to get down.  Despite the fact that we've become super-lame when it comes to date night, we somehow managed to schedule the night, so that we could squeeze in a movie.  We usually show up to the theatre totally clueless and realize that there's not a single movie showing for an other hour and a half.  Our marriage is built to last but one and a half idle hours without a tour guide is like trying to see how many miles you can get out of a single oil change.  You might fold at 9,000 before the engine seizes, but the car is unhappy and severly worn out. I think you catch my drift.

Wifey wanted to go to some movie with the following genre: drama and romance.  Seriously?  I've put up with a lot of chick flicks, (mainly because I possess the ability to become temporarily deaf to all pitches of the Female voice [except for Whoopi unforturnately] and they'll throw in a Vince Vaughn or Owen Wilson and a few laughs), but if you think I'm going to something that is drama (serious) and romantic (logical fallacy) you must be crazy.  Luckily lil' sis was around to ask Wifey: "haven't you already seen that movie?"  That gave me the upper hand, so I put my foot down like a true Man!  I said NO and it felt great.

I had only heard enough about the movie Hanna to know that it was about some little spy-ninja chick and lots of kickin' booty.  So naturally I was inclined to have a looksy.  Besides, there is nothing in the theaters right now.  Seriously, walk up to a theater and read the movie titles; they may as well be written in Farsi or some other extremely foreign language.

So we went to Hanna thinking it was a Bourne type of movie.  What I wasn't prepared for was the acid trip  of a storyline that would make any sober person present (I being one), inspect their snacks and beverages for tampering.  I only slept about an hour last night because I was studying my brains out.  So when I sat in the theater waiting for the movie to not enter the creepy European modern art seen, I could have sworn someone was playing the prank on me.  I was marginally coherent.  The fight scenes were awesome and the story was unique; but the circus characters, disco lights, and techno-freakshow music was a little intense.  When I left the theater I was so disoriented that I had to have an usher walk me to my car.  Then the idea helps me struggle into the driver's seat and tells me, "have a safe drive".  Really?  How safe could this be?

I didn't see it coming...
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Friday, April 15

hand in the cookie jar...

Lincoln memorial cent, with the S mintmark of ...Image via WikipediaWell folks, I just want to let you know that this amazing source of information has now been viewed over 2,000 times.  Yes I'm talking about this blog.

Many thankses are due to the four of you who have spent countless hours running from computer to computer in the library and visiting my site.  I also want to thank my Mother-In-Law who will tie down anyone she can, to read them my blog.  She's getting desperate to prove that her daughter did not marry a total loser (boy does she have an odd strategy to back that claim, fortunately I don't have much for competition!).  I got caught snagging a pound of bacon out of her deep freeze.  That only made her more determined.  This was all after my wife gets on my case.  I explain to Wifey that the deep freeze and garage fridge are communal storage space (Mom knows this which is why she's cool with it, as long as I don't take all of her specially crushed ice that she gets at Sonic.  Sometimes that's the only thing she's allowed to have on whatever diet she's after).  I know at least once every 2 to 3 months I put a 24-pack of Diet Pepsi in that fridge; and I'm at least 96% sure that I only drink 22 of them.  With everybody on those insane diets around that house, they don't need bacon calling screaming from the garage at 5 am--"Let me out of this freezer.  I'll sizzle for you.  I'm juicy in all the right places."  No wonder they're always starting a new diet.  Man, that's good of me to take on that burden for them.

You've heard of "leave a penny take a penny", right?
Well that's new to me, I always heard it as "leave a penny take a dollar".  That just makes more "cents".  Why would anyone trade a penny for another?  Unless they're some kind of freak coin collector.  And I am no coin collector, I throw that crap out unless it's a quarter.  Coins are for people of a class sooo low that the thought of it makes me feel like I should ring my butler and have him fan me for an hour, just so that I can remember what someone of that class looks like.  (Funny thing is I don't even have a butler but when I'm too good to carry around coins, I feel like I could afford one.)  Besides, I have a hard enough time keeping my pants up, I don't need any insignificant coinage weighing me down.  How many more notches do I have to make in my belt, before it wraps around me twice?

My question is how many people are waiting anxiously each day for my latest blog post, but aren't sharing it with your friends?
So it's not just that the in-laws give freely of their bacon, or their Lexus SUVs for some 4-by when they're out of town (I can't believe that superglue has held the bumper on this long!), or their country club membership when I want to go somewhere where I can feel like a pimp and slap around the staff with my golf gloves (I feel like a true nobleman), or Ol' man's golf clubs (I knew that glue wouldn't hold, but Ol' Man gets pissed and throws his clubs so much that they're bound to brake soon), or their basement to host chicken fights (Silly Michael Vick used his own place--what a tool!), or their condo for hosting raves and charging $20 a head (It's so cute when Mom pretends that she doesn't know why she's getting a $2,000 cleaning charge.  I hope they never turn on a black light in that place), or their "missing" furniture that I'm constantly selling on craigslist (I tell people that it was owned by some movie star--suckers!)...
...it's that Mom reads my blog and shares the love--that's what counts.  That's how she wins over my heart, every day.

So for the rest of you, that have been taking well over a dollars worth of advise, who are you to not spread the love?  I bet you don't even have your membership to the quiet-ramblings.com fan-site in your will.  Don't you want to leave your offspring a gift that keeps on giving?

Pass it on, so I don't have to enter another self-promotion campaign...
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Monday, April 11

The eye of a tye-gurrrrh

Skittles.Image via WikipediaSo you want to put your game face on today?  You want to roll out in the streets and let everybody know--Imma get mine!  Well that's the way to play it.  If you've got the stones to build some crazy hard-core game plan (while you're staring at yourself in the mirror) and you follow through, you might be a force to reckon with.  Every night before I go to bed I have this brilliant game plan for the next day.  No need to write it down--I tell myself.  This is where we come across a few problems.

First, I must explain the current state of the inorganic power house that runs my body.  I'd say on any given day, I eat more candy than 10 "normal" adults.  I know you may be surprised to hear this, but this doesn't really aid in the stability of my blood sugar level.  I'll be working my butt off then without warning, I start shaking and I get real dizzy.  Of course I don't think--if I could get a decent protein right now it would help me out.  To make matters worse, since the beginning of the year there's always someone around me dieting.  I get 175 calories per meal--they say--I'm doing the HCG diet.  To which I reply--you get?  They say it like it's some kind of privilege to only eat a side items worth of a meal.  This isn't some third world country, this is America.  We are the most obese nation.  I hate to break this to you, but in this country food is privilege.

So why should I care if people want to go on outrageous unhealthy diets?  I don't care, but the more you tell me about it the more my belly growls back at you.  You've got me worried about a food surplus.  So now because you can't do your part in society, I have to eat up an extra 2,000 calories.  That's quite a burden for me.  I've got sores in my mouth that may never heal, because I can't quit shoveling down the candy.  Laugh away, but once you're done with your diet and you're craving something good you'll thank me.

That's right, while you're screwing around with our economy I'm keeping a steady supply and demand.  What if one of these days when I remember that my plan is to eat a little healthier?  Not scared yet?  What if I follow through?  Who's going to keep supply and demand in balance?  Keep laughing, right up until you show up for that late night craving and you can't find your Reese's.  Many stores have already taken away my cinnamon bears, how many more candies have to perish before you people learn?

Your diets don't work.  Eat more candy...
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Saturday, April 9

I guess it doesn't have to make cents...

Time is a commodity, be careful what you trade it for.  I can't wait until the day that time no longer has meaning, it is a poor measurement.  Does it really matter how many hours are spent in the office?  No my friend it does not and any employer who argues the contrary is an ignorant Stalin impersonator.  How did we become a civilization so desperate for a means to measure productivity, that we completely threw quality into the wind?  Our entire economy has been slowly spinning in a whirlpool right down the toilet.

Look around it didn't fall because we got more lazy physically.  The crapper ate us up, because of our mental laziness.  All because we put everything in a box.  We stopped checking the basics.  It was decided that productivity should have a more comparable unit of measurement.  If you spend 12 hours in the office you must be accomplishing more than you would in 8.  It's that type of reasoning that has landed so many empty headed fools a position of leadership.

So Wall Street decided to put all their crap in a box and mark it "premium".  They decided that trading items of value just didn't seem to make much sense.  So they started to trade theory.  Congress points the finger, but they too have determined theory to be far more valuable than actually doing something.  So while people talk and argue everyone gets to sit and watch the free entertainment.  We're all wondering how this all happened, but we know the truth.  We just didn't care anymore.  The sad part is that it has all evolved into some form of alien excretion, and we don't know what to care about.  

If I sell you some lemonade at 25 cents a cup, is it profitable?  After I pay the neighborhood kids for dodging traffic and swirling signs, then settle my recurring bill at the grocery store, I can see if my net is black or red.  I could work 12 hrs or 12 min, in the end all I care for is profit.

Next time you tell me to hurry, just know I'm not listening.  The rambling above is what's running through my head.  So I'll take my time and do it right.

And that, my friends is your country in a hand-basket.  Where are you going?
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Friday, April 8

tics, phos, and so's...

I try to avoid politics on this blog.  I just don't feel it a worthy cause.  Don't get me wrong, I still try to keep an eye on the latest antics in D.C..  This is no easy feat either.  As many of you know, Corporate America works hard to keep me out of politics.  Right now my mind is so wrapped around the genius behind Mr. Clean that I can't focus on anything else.  I just don't get how he created Magic Erasers.  I'm not completely ignorant, nor am I a skeptic.  I'm fully aware that there is a microfiber-like sponge.  What I don't get is if he filled the sponge with magic potion, or just cast a spell on the sponge.  You judge this thought, but I bet you couldn't explain it.  To have that kind of power to remove unwanted markings, while keeping all other physical items constant--that's magic!  I just didn't know that the authority of witchcraft was going to allow magic to be used commercially for a profit.  Doesn't that kinda cheapen their powers?  If you have that kind of power, why not just create money.  Maybe, it's the slow economy and they don't want their riches to be too obvious.  I guess that's when you know times are rough.  Even the wizards and sorcerers have to set aside their lavish lifestyle, and participate in the free market.  It's all mind boggling...Joseph StalinImage via Wikipedia

As for the group with the bad ideas--you seriously think dropping all government activity except for the defense fund is a great idea?  Am I the only one who feels like a character in a George Orwell book?  I'm not talking about the Stalin figure, I'm talking about the rest of the population that buys the crap.  I'm talking about the ones who get crapped on.
To certain cable programs who think this is a sophisticated idea, I salute you--with my middle finger.  This isn't even phisticated, so how could it be so-phisticated?  This just tics me of.  It's ticated.  It's so below logic that I feel like all those congressman aren't even debating.  I think they just go laugh behind doors.  "Oh man, wait til we pitch this crap to the public.  It's gonna be a good laugh", Bohner can barely speak with out rolling on the floor laughing.
Fair & Balanced graphic used in 2005Image via Wikipedia
Then some dude with a small conscious (he's really more concerened about what might happen to him) asks, "do you think they'll buy it."
Bohner is still laughing, "they'll believe anything we put on Fox News.  All we have to do is play the audio while we show footage of spring break in Mexico."

Yeah, I said it!  I don't know if I'm more pissed about these morons, or the fact that I allowed such vile nonsense to inhabit space on my blog.

I said it alright...
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Thursday, April 7

To infinity...

Dear Humble Followers,

Oh how you've grown in numbers!  Your support has inspired me.  

My dream of becoming a novelist is underway.  When I say novelist I'm talking famous, I'm talking one book all or nothing.  That's why I'm fine tuning my skills.  Because I don't want to produce that Stephen King thriller crap.  Oh no... one of those paperbacks could barely pay off his yacht.  What I need is something that will integrate every genre into one sensation.  It will rip out the hearts of the young and old, while simultaneously falling to their knees in laughter.  Families will reunite, and world peace will finally be measurable.  People will travel miles to hear a book reading and to get my autograph.  They'll buy hundreds of books and spread them around their house, just to feel the presence of greatness.

And that's the key, sell a googol of books.  Why such high hopes?  So that I can ride that baby all the way to retirement.  Because if there is one thing I've learned about being sick the past few days, it's that there is nothing more satisfying than dominating the TV remote.

So thank you for reading and please don't steal my idea.  Maybe one day we can all come up with creative ways to avoid work.  I'm sure it will lead to an eventual takeover by machines, but they can have it.  World domination is exhausting...

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