pump your fist and resist...

Image by Robert Goodwin via Flickr

Redemption has been a long time and running.  There is no excuses for last place, ever!  The embarrassment I speak of is a pinewood derby race.  I've been helping my wife's cousin prepare for the pinewood derby, last year we had some scheduling issues, and let's just say it did not go well.  It also doesn't help that current cub scout politics are modeled after the girl scout organization.

Talk about red tape.  They've got this race so locked up these days, either there is an underground conspiracy or it has been determined that critical thinking/engineering skills are no longer important in the Cub Scouts of America.  You have to turn in your car three days before the race, you can't touch it from then til after the race, no tweaking, no adjustments, no scientific process, and no trial and error.  My only question--Cub Scouts of what America?  This is a direct threat against the competitive nature, that drives social dynamics in our country.

When I was a cub scout, we started sanding, painting, sanding, painting, over and over weeks prior to the event.  We each made five cars.  Body style was where autonomy was permitted by Dad.  When it came to frictionless axles and wheels that could fly straight down the track, parental supervision was required.  Dad had us polish those axles with him for about an hour each.  We set up the track days in advance, and ran trials till the early AM.  In private my brother and I would plot strategies, to destroy other cars that might present a threat.  We couldn't just win, we had to make sure that there wasn't a shadow of doubt that we won.  We stayed up all night before the race, so that our eyes would be blood shot all day.  We dropped by the drama club before leaving school, so they could accent our jaw bones and make our eyes look deeper and more mysterious.  We showed up to the race like 2 vampires, unwilling to leave without drawing blood.  You better not be picturing that pasty guy from twilight.  We'd race our own car to the end of the track.  There was no timing, it was car vs. car.  Tourney style elimination.  We brought it.

At the end of the day victory was ours.  But like I said, times have changed, boys are supposed to be more interested in tea parties now, or something...

By the way bro, happy b-day...

Subaru...

Dear Subaru Drivers,

I realize that there is a certain image you are trying to uphold.  I just want you to know I get it, you're cautious.  You love to drive slow.  In theory, your vehicle should be among the top performers for driving in the snow.  I'm a bit of a skeptic here, because I've yet to see you come anywhere near a velocity that would necessitate all wheel drive.  The normal person sees the speed limit as a minimum speed.  We adhere to that minimum speed, because it lowers our blood pressure and keeps our mouths clean enough to speak to God each night.  Can't you see when you not only choose to see the speed limit as a max speed, but when you make a point of not even approaching that max it is bad for everyone's health?  Yes, I'm sure you have 10 cats at home, that understand you better than any human, so you don't need us or our wasteful usage of plastic grocery bags.  

Just know that I'm on to you.  I see you walking around in your fleece vest, as if a sleeveless "jacket" provides the perfect climate control, no matter the weather.  You think you look so rugged with your hiking boots, who's biggest excursion comes when you find the furthest parking space from the store.  I guess we can thank you for that.  I know you're trying to be this super righteous human, but for the love please turn on your hazards and just drive in the emergency lane.  I don't know if you never have anywhere to get to in a hurry, or if you're one of those freaks that leaves an hour early to make sure you arrive first.  Just know, the rest of the world is in a rush so if you're not going to join in, get the frick out of the way!

Dear Subaru corporation or some communist country,

I just wanted to right you to offer a proposal that could double you're revenue.  I believe that by simply reducing the size of your brake pedal and increasing the size of your gas pedal, it will redevelop your image by reaching an entirely new market.  If sales don't increase immediately, be patient, because this should at least remove Subaru from the list of substitute curse words.  Then I can stop telling my friends I'm about to go take a subaru, which really means I gotta go #2.

Sincerely,

A concerned citizen