Stud finder...

Despite the countless cries for fifteen minutes of fame, from my entourage at Sunday dinner, I need to discuss a matter of importance.  This post, as no surprise, came to me while in the shower.  (I figure if I point that out at least once a week, it will encourage all the stay-at-home moms and all the single ladies, to put down their romance novels, that no doubt have pictures of my body on the cover with the face of some goon superimposed over mine, long enough to read my blog.  Minor note- I've been through several legal battles with fitness magazines, but how these ninja-like romance photographers get shots of me in nothing but animal hide is beyond my imagination.  I'm not sure if these ladies are actually reading the content of my blog, or just imagining the creative process.  Either way it sells.  As a nice bi-product, this fills my wife with the only jealousy that I could profit from.  She becomes eager to lash out at any women glancing in my direction, even when I'm driving the freaking mini-van in the dark and there's some girls three cars over at a stop light.)
Image via Wikipedia
Anyways, that was a pretty good tangent, even for me.  About a week ago I noticed that my sister-in-law was trying this whole "gauges" phenomenon in her ears.  You know, they try to make a hoola hoop out of their ear lobes.  This type of fashion statement fascinates me on so many accounts, that I could have an entire blog dedicated to the subject.  First of all, "gauge" wearers and founders of the name, that is the crappiest most unoriginal name.  If that's not a healthy serving of irony on a platter for you, I don't know what is.  I get the whole-I want to be original so people can notice me.  I just want to point out time and time again, that your originality is false.  One idiot was probably stoned out of his mind on a couch, watching National Geographic, and saw an indigenous tribe, that had a giant portion of their ear lobes hanging and swinging in the wind.  Stoner was inspired, stoner went to the local piercing joint, stoner asked for thick earnings measured by a unit known as a gauge, stoner goes to party, stoner becomes famous, hundreds of idiots follow.  Just know this- "gauge" is a unit of measurement.  Its abbreviation looks like this- AWG and it means this- American Wire Gauge.  It is used to measure the diameter of wires, rather than saying point twenty-three inches.  The largest measurement is 00 awg,  equalling .46 in.  Now I know there are some people with holes in their heads larger than a half inch.  My point is come up with a more creative name.

I get that the whole point of these "gauges" is to tell the world how much Mommy and Daddy didn't love you.  If you wrote a memoir, you probably would bring us all to tears.  You'd tell us about how you were the first kid to learn of Santa's falsehood, when he gave you a white iPod the same year that black came out, and you asked for black!  After days of mourning over the matter and refusing to allow certain songs to be downgraded and inhabit, said white iPod, you start an investigation.  You learn that your parents have been stuffing your stockings and you refuse to believe that they're "Santa's helpers".  No one at school believes you about your discovery.  They call you crazy, when they're the ones who believe in fairytales.  You decide that your parents are trying to ruin your life, by making you look crazy and allowing you to be seen in public with a white iPod.  Years of counseling and antidepressants would eventually lead to a full recovery, but your childhood is filled with similar situations.  So naturally you join the tight jean and "gauges" club.  Meanwhile your memoir is #4 on Amazon's list.  It's about time things go your way.

The best thing for me is when I ask one of these emo-gaugers, "doesn't that hurt your ear?"  He responds- "life is pain, bra."  (Had I read his memoir, I would understand the profound grief.  People just don't understand him.)  So, with the perplexed look on my face, he's sure that he's sent me into the greatest epiphany of my life.  When really I'm wondering if this guy is handicapped or something.  So I start talking slower and using more body language.  He feels belittled, starts crying and runs home.

All in all, I love the idea of gauges, but I'm a man of logic.  So, the real trial that I've been facing, is what could be put in these "gauges" that would provide functionality and purpose.  After about 15 minutes I realized that no purpose can be found, so instead I decided to come up with something more creative for my sister in law to put in her ear.  I finally settled on a sawed-off broom stick between two tennis balls (see my illustration below).  I'm certain that this would restore creativity for at least a week.  So Gabs, make sure to mark the day that you chose to start this trend, so no one else can claim it as their own.  I can guarantee that the next big thing is pink tennis balls.

Oprah's Sister and her Mom: Vernitta Lee? Oh America...

I did a little research today, as I'm at home sick, also with sick kiddos. I googled "quiet ramblings", thinking my blog should be at the top of the list now that my domain is: quiet-ramblings.com. What I found out instead was drumroll... I was #11 on the list. Number 11, are you freaking kidding me? What does a brotha gotta do to get some love?

(update 1/25) check me out now...google search for quiet ramblings

So I formulated a plan, thinking surely I can move up the list by discussing the latest craze. So I hit up Google Trends and at the top of the list a find, drumroll again... #1 Oprah's Sister, #2 Vernitta Lee, who I discovered is Oprah's Mom. Then suddenly, Thud. Thud. Thud. (That's what it sounds like when I start banging my head against the wall. This is about the same time Tourette syndrom kicks in too). What do I have to offer about Oprah? Nothing at all... Come on America, this is the freaking internet. How does one even get soooo bored, that they decide hmmmm... I really want to see what Oprah is up to today?

So I decided that this is why America is crazy, and why China has us by the spherical twin objects, used in sports, betting games, and tadpole creation. Then, I started to wonder- at what point will China be outsourcing to us? Maybe the iPod was really designed in China, to keep us occupied while stealthy infiltrating our minds, so they can get us all hopped up on dopamine every time we catch the latest celebrity news. Very, very, cleaver... Oh I hope this is all just paranoia on my part.

I then download AutoCad on my computer from the black market, allowing me to keep my computer ip address anonymous.  Just as I started to draft my plans for a bomb shelter, I mean come on we don't know where this is headed, I decided to give America one last chance.  So I check Yahoo. I found enough relief to cancel the backhoe delivery and 30 yards of concrete, just ordered. Yahoo's trending #1... is Joe Biden. This could be good, people are probably interested in government structure and law...  The sad truth, is that I know that's a lie. People are probably trying to find out his eye color, nicknames, pet's names, etc., etc., blah...

So just in case I'm going to keep these CAD files on my desktop. I'd share them, but I'm too paranoid that you may be a Chinese ninja. We all know that Ninjas originated in Japan, and the Chinese are only impostors, but it scares me just the same.

So be careful out there...



On a side note, I'm constantly trying to make my blog more awesomer'r (I can hardly believe it's possible either). As you may have noticed by the constant remodeling I suffer from blogger OCD. I've added star ratings at the end of each post.  Don't be afraid to rate me and if you've really got some beef to unload email me.  There is also a box full of links that might be related to my ramblings... Don't be scared to explore, they're not a scam, just other articles related to my content, and I don't make anything off of them. They are simply my gift to you: relevant, possibly more informative, information.

***Pay attention now: The coolest new toy I've added, is an integration from:


This allows you to double click any word on my site and get a definition. Ingenious! I use it all the time, since I don't even know what I'm saying half the time.

Try it here by doubleclicking this word: BELLWETHER

Ride on revolution...