These stories can't tell...

Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be an explorer.  I'm talking about some serious Indiana Jones stuff here.  I never knew that I would live the dream.  So my latest expedition involved the hunt for a Blackberry Curve 9330 (left on vibrate, if only we knew it was about to be lost!).  Said Blackberry, is a tracking device used by my wife.  The #1 purpose, for said phone, is to call me at least every hour to make sure that I remember my name, ask if I'm driving on the correct side of the road, warn me not to run into things while driving, and lovingly tell me to get on task.  I am to respond to each question clearly, using words like "yes dear".  If the slightest tone of sarcasm is detected, the interrogation restarts from the top.  If that phone isn't functioning we don't function.  Every moment it's away, I'm left to question- why I haven't heard from the wife for over 10 minutes?  Pretty soon I start twitching and I'm filled with guilt.  "But you've done nothing wrong," says the angel on my shoulder.
"You're right," I respond, "I didn't loose the phone."
People are looking at me, so I pretend that I'm talking on my bluetooth earpiece.  Thus we come across another problem... I don't have one of those stupid earpieces (I don't pretend to be the type of person who's so busy, that my hands must be available at all times.)... abort mission.

So, later that evening we continue the expedition.  We flip the couches over, children are staring.  Wifey and I both laugh at the silly hide-a-bed, that's never been used in its young 3 years of life.  We joke about how much it would suck to have to sleep on it.  The kids on the other hand are thrilled to know that there is a bed in the couch.

My children have been conditioned by my sarcasm.  They know that when I say something, I'm not to be trusted.  So child #2 is spinning around in my room at nap time.  It takes her hours to shutdown the projector in her head.  So she's prancing around our room, and decides to pour water all over our bed.  I'm not sure how much water she poured on the bed.  One thing I do know, is that there aren't enough layers of towels to absorb all the water.

Quick ending- Wifey and I are the clowns on the hide-a-bed.  My back now hurts like I gave your mom a piggy-back ride around the cul-de-sac last night.

Where's the phone?!?!

Press 1 if you want to sit on hold for 3 hours, while your hands are free to slap yourself all over the place.

You're no good for me...

Dear Blackberry,

I’ve had it up to my eyeballs with your jealousy and constant nagging. Of the 20-40 emails I receive daily, maybe 3 are of actual immediate importance, and even those could wait an hour or 3. I’m shutting off your constant notifications and blinking red light. I’m getting a headache just thinking about it. What has sparked such heretical actions, you ask? Let’s just say I found solace and protection in the arms of radical propaganda that inspires unorthodox business decisions. Don’t look at me with that self righteous, unfriendly to modern media, cracked-screen. I experience shell shock every time you vibrate and I dive for cover. This constant anxiety is no way for me to live and if you cared about our relationship you would understand this. But you don’t because you were designed by corporate tyrants who try to tie down their employees, at every chance they get. You’re probably capturing these words right now and turning them into your higher-ups. You’re such a tool. They don’t love you, they don’t feed and cloth you and make sure your battery is charged. And still your alarm pierces my ear each morning so that you can watch me run around the house like a lost creature each morning. We hurry and sow seeds of stress throughout the house.

I’m done with all that now!

This isn’t me writing you off completely we’ll still spend casual down time together, and there’s phone calls too. I guess now would be a good time to let you know that I’ve still been making out with my iPhone every night, even though it no longer has service. You’ve probably noticed that I’m able to listen to choice music while driving, also my iPhone.

I guess what I’m trying to say is Verizon will have the iPhone too real soon. So shape up or your out!
Thank you,