Querida wifey feliz dia de madre...

Image via WikipediaDear Wife and Mother (of at least 3 of my children.  Hopefully that's all I have, and hopefully they're all mine.  I can handle the truth, because if I found out that I was puttin' up with drama from somebody else's kitten, it would be the opposite of good.),

Just to clear the air and confirm the speculation, I do love it when you call me big pappa.  I also love it when you wave your hands in the air like you just don't cur.

As I sit here staring at you peacefully sleeping on the couch (mild snore, regular breathing pattern), I can't help but look down the long journey we've taken.  As I look I think--what were we thinking and why didn't anybody talk us out of it?  Of course I'm referring to the three young "princesses" that run around the house with red pitchforks and pointy red ears, and not our marriage.  It's been T-riffic watching you put up with me.  Thanks for keepin' on with the keepin' on.  You're one cool mama with an attitude all full of spiciness.  If it wasn't for you our children would run all over me.  Sometimes I feel like an old person being scammed by a salesman, then you swoop in and remind me that our children have a very elaborate MO.  Let's just face it, if it wasn't for you vigilance and Hi Def 3-D vision, they'd be a hurtin'.  You've watched over them like a hawk ready to take on Tony the Tiger, if necessary.  And with Tony's sadist smile on that cereal box, it's always necessary.  "Grrrrrreat", he says.  What's so great about you Tony?  Did you go through 9 months of incoherent speech and bipolar like symptoms, only to be ended be a long excruciating labor?

Thanks for being such a great nurturer to our children, and constantly reminding me how to check and see if I'm still breathing.  Hold up... yep, still 48 bpms.  All seriousness aside, I love you approximately 78% more than Romeo loved that one chick he was after, who also happened to have a crazy extended family.  Anybody who acts surprised by that remark, might be the direct recipient.

Anyways, Happy Mother's Day.  We love you (speaking for myself and the children that are believed to be ours).  I hope you don't ever wise up some day and chirp them tires, leaving me and the kiddos to point fingers.  (They always gang up on me.  You can't out ninja Tha Ninja.)  Love you much.

Con besos y pesos (porque ya no tengo dolares... soy pobre, que hago?),

Your breathtakingly sexy husband.

Cougartown...

Once again, people are seeking my advice about the great mysteries of life.  The subject at hand is dating.  Now, lucky for me, I married the girl of my dreams 7 years ago, and have managed to change the subject every time she starts to question her decision.  So my opinion on this subject comes from a very practical point of view.  When your single and horny, your mind is in survival mode.  This is often referred to as fight or flight.  Unfortunately, unless your prospect shows obvious characteristics of a serial killer, that collects human flesh, you'll generally fight (wrestling type, that usually takes place in a bedroom or rental car).  You see, all these crazy hormones when bottled up for soooo long, start bouncing around and prevent neurons from reaching your frontal brain lobes.  This is the part of the brain that controls impulsivity, attention, organization, etc.  Basically you're retarded...

Image via Wikipedia

So, love hungry cougars listen up!  Since you're currently experiencing a frontal lobe shutdown, I will balance you out with some practical knowledge.  

Lesson #1-  This is a hard fact to face ladies, but if you're searching for a dude over thirty and single, you might as well hunt the psych ward.  All the prime catches, such as myself , have been snatched up (of course I won't compare all others to me, because that would set the bar too high).  I had to take a whole week off of work just to sort through some pretty impressive dowries, after another week of negotiations I was able to get the women I wanted.  This is generally why cougars are forced to go for young meat, because they can afford it and they deserve someone who has yet to be declared crazy.  I suppose if the young are willing to satisfy the wildest dreams of the middle age, they too deserve a little somethin'.  I get it, it's a win-win.

Lesson #2- Social media is big!  If I were in the dating game, I would be a huge fan of this dating medium mainly because I'm lazy.  You can knockout the first 5-10 dates, while sitting on the couch with your laptop.  On the other hand, do you really want to get with someone as lazy as you?  How will the house every get cleaned?  People are reconnecting on facebook with people that they never had the chance to get with in high school.  Those are dangerous bottled up hormones at work, from an era in your life when control over such was next to impossible. This has become a horrible problem for many marriages too, which is why I don't friend former female classmates.  The problem with this hook-up method for those who are free to date, is that it's all completely driven by nostalgia.  We all know that the problem with nostalgia is that we only remember the good things.  Don't kid yourself, especially if you were raised in some po-dunk town in say... Montana.  You were fishing in a tiny sea in high school, it's time to think global.

Lesson#3-  Online dating is not much different from facebook, but it deserves our attention.  Beware!  Anyone can claim anything, or slightly fudge the facts online.  They could post a profile picture from their best looking days.  Think of me, I tell people how cool I am in nearly every post, yet if people really knew me, they would be blown away by the amount of awesomeness all bottled up in just one package.  The other thing about the internet is you might be hooking up with some 10 year old punk kid who's just messing with you.

So I've basically said what's wrong with different forms of modern dating and have offered almost no solutions.  So what do I propose...?

I don't know!  I'm not a dating expert.  My daily goals involve trying not to piss off my wife by 9am.  If I succeed, I shoot for noon.  Then 3, then 6, and so on.  I've rarely made it passed 3 and that's why I love her... cuz she's still here.

Chin up horn balls, don't settle for less just because it's convenient...

Here's a little education for y'all.  I strive to delivery a learning experience.

• What Are the Lobes of the Brain? (brainz.org)
• Will Brain Surgery Cure My Schizophrenia? (everydayhealth.com)
• Frontal Lobes (calla5.wordpress.com)

You're no good for me...

Dear Blackberry,

I’ve had it up to my eyeballs with your jealousy and constant nagging. Of the 20-40 emails I receive daily, maybe 3 are of actual immediate importance, and even those could wait an hour or 3. I’m shutting off your constant notifications and blinking red light. I’m getting a headache just thinking about it. What has sparked such heretical actions, you ask? Let’s just say I found solace and protection in the arms of radical propaganda that inspires unorthodox business decisions. Don’t look at me with that self righteous, unfriendly to modern media, cracked-screen. I experience shell shock every time you vibrate and I dive for cover. This constant anxiety is no way for me to live and if you cared about our relationship you would understand this. But you don’t because you were designed by corporate tyrants who try to tie down their employees, at every chance they get. You’re probably capturing these words right now and turning them into your higher-ups. You’re such a tool. They don’t love you, they don’t feed and cloth you and make sure your battery is charged. And still your alarm pierces my ear each morning so that you can watch me run around the house like a lost creature each morning. We hurry and sow seeds of stress throughout the house.

I’m done with all that now!

This isn’t me writing you off completely we’ll still spend casual down time together, and there’s phone calls too. I guess now would be a good time to let you know that I’ve still been making out with my iPhone every night, even though it no longer has service. You’ve probably noticed that I’m able to listen to choice music while driving, also my iPhone.

I guess what I’m trying to say is Verizon will have the iPhone too real soon. So shape up or your out!
Thank you,