Hey ma-by-law...

Dear Lil' Mama,

From Mom to Damn-ma, thanks for being all that you can be... and then some.  I'm sorry that you had to wait to get a son-in-law to finally feel like you have a decent child.  I'm also sorry that your second son-in-law is such a disappointment.  I tried my best to show strong objection, but I fear it only reinforced negative behavior.  When it gets tough, try doing what I do when someone asks me if I have a brother-in-law on my wife's side, and say NO.

Thanks for all your help around our house, watching the kids, and noticing the little things that I do to try to get under your skin.  When you specifically go out of your way to mess with someone and they don't even notice, it can be very frustrating.  Sometimes I come home tired and grumpy, but then Nikole will tell me how you were over and something I did around the house provoked an anti-male rant, and it turns that frown right upside down.

Thanks for being an awesome Mom.  I could only imagine the difficulty of mothering 3 girls along side a man who clearly displays at least 16 mental disorders, that I'm aware of.  I hope you have a great day.

Love,
Your humble, full of grace son-in-law--Lee

BTW--I heard you finally got an iPhone.  Talk about irony, once I decided to order you an iPhone for mother's day through your Verizon account, you go and get your own.  Oh well I'll just have them attach it to my number.  Happy Mother's Day!

because you have faith...

Dear solid fan base,

There has to be at least 4 or so of you, that are still die hard.  For that I commend you.  You are the people that make this world a better place for all, in fact it is getting just downright wasteful sparing oxygen molecules for the rest of the earthly population.  Do you get as exited about world domination and class separation as I do at this point?  Of course you do, you've probably found yourself speeding and flipping people off a lot more than usual.  Don't be ashamed, you're only human.

A lot of people think that I've been too neglectful towards my supremely important blog.  I just want to clear the air, by reporting that although school has been a challenge, it is not the reason for my decrease in writing activity.  I have my priorities straight.  The real reason for the cut back, has more to do with budgeting and government grants, that I have yet to receive for providing such a quality education.  You see, at times I experience what some people refer to as "passion" or "overzealous-behavior".  Yes, it is true, I have been caught sitting on the couch cursing at the laptop from time to time.  Occasionally, I tense up so much while I'm typing, that I literally press the keys straight through the keyboard.  Exit wound and all.  This is a type of situation, that can't be undone.  When such passion provokes this sort of destruction it becomes very expensive (Especially if you have a laptop and the keyboard, now needing replacement is directly attached to the computer.).

So in order to save product, I've taken to using a keyboard with a 20 foot range.  This way I also avoid punching the screen.  The sad ending here is while trying to reduce destruction to my computer, I've also lowered my level of anger and blood pressure.  I still use up the same untapped energy, only I take it out on a 5 lb. bag of cinnamon bears, or Red Vines.  Not having that anger, to constantly stir up the voices of irrational thought and chaos, leaves me a little short for words in times that they are most needed.  Any psychologist would probably refer to this as a positive outlet.  But how could any of this be positive, when at least 4 people are relying on me?  I've said it before, I'm no martyr or savior, but I am here to offer the best of me.

So I thought about going back to close-range typing.  Once Wifey caught wind of this, it was immediately vetoed.  And because I choose not to type in a dark closet, in order to avoid her all-seeing eyes, I know I need some form of controversy.  So I've devised a plan.  This is going to involve some help from my fans, but I'm sure it will work.  The cure I ask for, to fuel me up is hate mail.  I know my most faithful fans couldn't find it in them to even set their minds in a state of anger or contempt for me, but I'm sure you have friends who could.  So I need you to seek out the people in your lives, that truly detest people like me (You probably don't even have to leave the house to do this.).  Invite these haters to visit my site and comment.  I'm sure that some angry words will really bump up my game.  It will also bump up your game, when you find yourself delivering personal jabs in attempt to defend the website that makes all things clear to you.

It's either hate mail or I skip my meds for a week, but I'm pretty sure that society is not ready for that.

Chase 'em down...

Out of control...

Image by Getty Images via @daylifeIf history has anything to teach us, and I'm still very skeptical that we can learn from the past, it is that all children should be raised on farms.  There's just too much nothing for them to do all day long, when they live in the burbs.  Take my kids for example.  They get up at some ungodly hour, then they proceed to torture each other for the next 2-3 hours.  This is all just wonderful, until I get pulled from my dreams to play mediator in a conflict that I have not witnessed.  Then, I have to shout out a bunch of empty threats and flip a coin to see which kid is in the wrong, cuz we all know there's not a chance that I'm getting out of bed.  So eventually the none sense moves to my room and I catch an elbow in the face or a foot to the jewels.

Fast forward to the after school hours.  More torture, more screaming, and I still don't want to play mediator.  These kids have nothing to do.  Sure I could sit them in front of the TV for hours, but then I have to deal with the guilt as I picture their brains slowly melting into a mushy soup.  You tell kids TV will melt their brains enough times, you even start to believe it.

If you happen to know someone who was raised on farm, they're generally calm and they know how to fix things.  You see a kid raised in front of the TV, then you have a whole new set of issues.  They walk around with their eyeballs popping out, always paranoid, always depressed, and they're so full of unused energy they start banging their heads against the wall or carving silhouettes of lovers never had in their arms.  Then they start wearing jeans so tight, they must be painted on.  Always with the tight jeans and the sad stories.  The only tragedy is that this kids' parents never pulled the car over miles from home, pretending to have car trouble, then tell the child it is up to him to run home and get help.  I thought of that scenario on my own, your welcome to use it anytime your child feels like a martyr and needs an act of bravery to change their outlook.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't raised on a farm.  I was however raised by a farmer's daughter, in a time that you didn't have to worry about pedophiles, because you were allowed to stereotype that one creepy dude all alone at the park.  Sick es oh bee, seriously you can't go creep on someone that is at least borderline legal?  Go hang out near a high school you sick freak, then maybe some punk kids will have the decency to throw water balloons at you as they celebrate the exodus bell.  With six kids at her disposal and only a four bedroom house,  Mom still came up with some pretty creative chores, that we all know were unnecessary.  One morning I had to get up at 4 am to milk my brother, or maybe I chose to do that in a form of sweet revenge, the details are fuzzy.  After chores, we got on our bikes and disappeared for the remainder of the day.

And that's how it should be in order to keep the balance of sanity between generations.  Kids be kids, adults be adults, I'll see you at dinner time, and you better have your homework done.

All I'm saying is these kids are driving me crazy...

Related articles

• What Are the Seasonal Chores on a Farmstead? (brighthub.com)
• Out-of-Control Justin Bieber Hurls Water Balloons at Police Officers [Crime] (gawker.com)
• My New Life Theme: CHAOS (momblognetwork.com)

Parenting: getting beat at my own game...

I wonder if my kids would think twice if they knew they were copying antics, from the rule book on scamming parents, written by yours truly.  You would think that this would give me some kind of edge on parenting, having been a young deviant myself.  What I didn't learn til later in life is what would allow so many kids to rule the world.  Don't let your kids read this next part.

If only I knew while sitting on the floor in my room, as a young apprentice, with army action figures strategically placed, papers containing logs and graphs written in crayon, and of course a watchmen to inform me of adults that might be approaching.  I could have saved myself a lot of time by writing:  Parents are generally lazy and have less stamina then I do.  Booyah, rule book complete.  Kids think they're clever, but they're just repeating the same stuff I did.  Their real edge is the parental laziness factor.  Most parents don't have the time or are too tired to be concerned with little tantrums, therefore we pick our battles.  Two year olds on the other hand can go rounds all night, even as they're falling asleep.  Better not let the Army see this either or they'll lower the drafting age

So why don't I take charge knowing the antics that are coming my way?


1.  Because I am to lazy to deal with every little tantrum.
2.  Because there is a small part of me that just wells up inside, knowing that my kids are challenging the system at such a young age.  Even if the system is me.

This is dangerous, I suppose.  It is possible that kids get the wrong idea and think they run the house (current state of the union).  The worst problem is that when you do fly off the handle after putting up with a zillion tantrums, all bottled up, your kids will start wearing tight pants and crying all the time.  If they're boys they'll start wearing make-up and if they're girls they either stop wearing make-up or start wearing black make-up.  This is the uniform, if you will, for the modern day oppressed suburban children.

You see back in the day parents didn't have things like more than 1 TV or handheld gaming systems, to avoid every single battle.  So parents would have to deal with it.  It's hard to ignore a tantrum being thrown on gameday right in front of the TV, when it's your only TV.  Quick solution: Whoopin, they won't cry for too long.

And that is why I'm King.  I call it the care factor.  They care to win every little battle.  I win by not caring about each little battle.  No matter what the outcome is I'll always be sure to explain why I've won...