I'll get right on it (that's what she said)...

There're soooo many important things that I should be doing right now.  I wonder what it is like to be a responsible person, who sees due dates for what they are....  You see, my neurological software goes through a series of algorithms when anticipating deadlines.  I hate to drag everyone through the details but I think that it's important for people to know before they ask me to do something.  It's actually a pretty simple equation, pay attention:  (deadline) minus - (amount of time to complete task) equa
Image via Wikipedials = (product delivered on time to smiling faces).  That's the theory anyways.  My OS doesn't take into account a certain contingency or padding, if you will, for possible road blocks.  What my OS does instead, is quite impressive.  Like two dudes at Home Depot my brain literally starts to argue with itself about certain items such as: agility, quickness, efficiency, ability to open eyes under salt water, personal records for competing various rungs up the ladder of the Ninja order, the list goes on like this....   So each new argument shaves off anywhere from 5 minutes to 24 hours (depending on the task).  Eventually a completely subjective, unproven hypothesis becomes doctrine and time has been cut in half.  This is where the clever adjustment comes to the playground.  Rather than agree that I will be done early (not in my vocab, I had to look that word up--its implications exhausted my entire mental apparatus), my brain subtracts that extra time that will be saved, because it says it can be done.  Thus we have:

(Specific Deadline) - (readjusted finish time--after hours of arguing, bragging, then folding) =
(Thanks for screwing me over brain, you gave me worse odds to meet this deadline than the chance of a "good" decision in Las Vegas)

Image via Wikipedia

OK, so it is complicated.  That's why I've been caught walking around talking to myself.  It's hard to just sit back while all that debate is going on up there, and I can't participate.  Sure, I could sit back listen to some distracting angry music and let the unconscious battle it out with the sub-conscious, but I'd get restless after about 14.5 seconds (on average I've only been able to sit still long enough to time myself on 2 occasions).  So I engage.  Sure everybody make fun of the crazy guy talking to himself.  Don't think for a minute that he doesn't notice and you haven't been added to his list of "silly fools who've crossed me... I'll save the last laugh for me".  What's that?  Now you want to be friends?

My wife is well aware of this--my ability to get sidetracked and postpone (I don't like the stigma attached to the word procrastination)--which is why I'm looking over my shoulder every time I'm gettin' my blog on.  She's like my productivity coach, always trying to get me "back on track".  Some people just don't understand the importance of the underground education.

There, I've gone and done it again.  I completely forgot what all those important things were, that needed to get done.

And that's why I have peace over anxiety...

because you have faith...

Dear solid fan base,

There has to be at least 4 or so of you, that are still die hard.  For that I commend you.  You are the people that make this world a better place for all, in fact it is getting just downright wasteful sparing oxygen molecules for the rest of the earthly population.  Do you get as exited about world domination and class separation as I do at this point?  Of course you do, you've probably found yourself speeding and flipping people off a lot more than usual.  Don't be ashamed, you're only human.

A lot of people think that I've been too neglectful towards my supremely important blog.  I just want to clear the air, by reporting that although school has been a challenge, it is not the reason for my decrease in writing activity.  I have my priorities straight.  The real reason for the cut back, has more to do with budgeting and government grants, that I have yet to receive for providing such a quality education.  You see, at times I experience what some people refer to as "passion" or "overzealous-behavior".  Yes, it is true, I have been caught sitting on the couch cursing at the laptop from time to time.  Occasionally, I tense up so much while I'm typing, that I literally press the keys straight through the keyboard.  Exit wound and all.  This is a type of situation, that can't be undone.  When such passion provokes this sort of destruction it becomes very expensive (Especially if you have a laptop and the keyboard, now needing replacement is directly attached to the computer.).

So in order to save product, I've taken to using a keyboard with a 20 foot range.  This way I also avoid punching the screen.  The sad ending here is while trying to reduce destruction to my computer, I've also lowered my level of anger and blood pressure.  I still use up the same untapped energy, only I take it out on a 5 lb. bag of cinnamon bears, or Red Vines.  Not having that anger, to constantly stir up the voices of irrational thought and chaos, leaves me a little short for words in times that they are most needed.  Any psychologist would probably refer to this as a positive outlet.  But how could any of this be positive, when at least 4 people are relying on me?  I've said it before, I'm no martyr or savior, but I am here to offer the best of me.

So I thought about going back to close-range typing.  Once Wifey caught wind of this, it was immediately vetoed.  And because I choose not to type in a dark closet, in order to avoid her all-seeing eyes, I know I need some form of controversy.  So I've devised a plan.  This is going to involve some help from my fans, but I'm sure it will work.  The cure I ask for, to fuel me up is hate mail.  I know my most faithful fans couldn't find it in them to even set their minds in a state of anger or contempt for me, but I'm sure you have friends who could.  So I need you to seek out the people in your lives, that truly detest people like me (You probably don't even have to leave the house to do this.).  Invite these haters to visit my site and comment.  I'm sure that some angry words will really bump up my game.  It will also bump up your game, when you find yourself delivering personal jabs in attempt to defend the website that makes all things clear to you.

It's either hate mail or I skip my meds for a week, but I'm pretty sure that society is not ready for that.

Chase 'em down...

Wait til I'm down, before you start kicking...

It's pretty embarrassing when you walk up to the cashier at Walmart and you ask about a payment plan for a $10 pack of highlighters.  If you're not getting the horrible sensation of this experience, let me rephrase it--You're pretty pathetic if you get embarrassed inside of a Walmart.  Have you ever seen the freak-show that is peopleofwalmart.com?  Outside the store is a different thing.  You don't ever want people to see you walking into Walmart.  That is like publicly admitting that you are mentally and socially off track (kind of like someone who was home-schooled).  Now you're with me.  That's why I always have a "pissed off" look when I enter the store.  Then, people will think I'm going against my will.  It becomes more of a mission, like I'm supporting a cause greater than me.  Always look down at the floor, these people are looking for someone to cling to.  You'll be hangin' with your friends, and they'll approach you saying, "hey dude, I saw you at Walmart this weekend."
You reply,"Like hell you did."  Closed fist aim for his head, the concousion is for his own good.

You can't truly hate the man, when you support the largest non-military pillaging corporation on earth.  Well, you can claim to, but no one will believe you.

The worst part about Walmart for me, is the convenience.  I had the terrible luck to work as a contractor for the big W, remodeling their stores.  So just by looking at the front of the store, my mind automatically drafts an extremely accurate floor plan.  That's very necessary, because finding an associate to show you around is quite a hunt.   The real blow is that when you work for them, that's the only place that you can afford to shop.  Ask any child of an employee about the embarrassment.

Walmart Employee: (Speaking to kids) Get ready to go school shopping...

Kids: (Having already lost hope for destinations such as the mall, in their heads they chant in unison [pleas say Target, Please say Target...]).
Image by Getty Images via @daylife
I haven't been around the rough teenage crowd in a while but I'm pretty sure that when you're hoping for clothes from Target, you my friend are not sitting at the cool table.  Tough luck buddy, don't blame your parents and don't feel like you have to resort to the tight pants wearing, socially-familiarly-mentally repressed kids.  They think they've got something solid, but when you walk around like a duck showing of your polka dot boxers, you look like a clown.  Not the funny clowns, but the creepy ones that little kids are afraid of.

I hate shopping for clothes.  I always feel like I'm being judge.  What, men are not mature enough to share changing rooms with women?  It's not like we shop at Victoria's Secret (although it probably would happen a lot more if men were allowed in the dressing rooms.  That's a pretty solid marketing strategy, Victoria's Secret people, do with it what you will.).  I thought women were all about equal rights anyways.  So, why do we have to part ways at the changing room?  Ask anyone who was involved in the Civil Rights Movement, if separate but equal met their needs.  This is why I'm proud of women trying to make a statement, by taking up such issues about the oppression of making women cover the upper portion of their bodies in public.  Unfortunately, such laws are upheld because the only women actively protesting, look much better with a turtleneck on.

I guess that equal rights is just a bunch of idealistic crap...