You can't handle the truth...

Image via WikipediaThe whole world wants to know if Bin Laden is really dead.  Then they're wondering if there was any intent to take him alive.  Let's think about this for a minute.  First of all, how many special trained ninja navy seal operatives were craving this opportunity?  Imagine them cruising the world like Jason Bourne and the other members of Treadstone project.  For once, the spies are sending texts to their bosses saying, "pick me, pick me, pleeeeease pick me."  They're all giddy sitting in their hideouts polishing their guns 50 times and manufacturing their own bullets, that could take down a 100 year old oak tree in one round.  Do you really think that the few who got the chance to go were thinking "capture alive"?  No sir, they certainly were not.  I'm guessing that after they busted in there, they thought their guns couldn't fire fast enough.  Reloading clip after clip, "we just want to make sure".  Typical cake and fat kid scenario, all impulse.

Of course, if you've ever seen the movie Salt or Tomb Raider or Assassins, you might have envisioned a more plausible scenario.  Like, Angelina Jolie (tight black leather for aerodynamics and stealth) cruising on a Honda crotch rocket (all black).  Takes out 15 guards on the way to the gate, back flip of the bike, perfect Olympic gymnastic landing, the bike hits the gate and explodes.  She comes out of the flames into the courtyard with that serious yet seductive look.  Takes out 10 more militants, 8 by gun, 2 by ninja kick after a boost off the wall.  She disappears into the shadows, chaos everywhere.  Works her way up to Numb Nuts royal bedroom (mind you Pakistani government is completely unaware of this palace--I get where this could cause confusion given that his suite alone is a city block).  She pimp slaps the two guards at the door, kicks them in the groin, seductive grin at the security camera, scissor kick to ceiling camera, fuzzy screen.  Bin Laden's stupid grin turns to Oh S#!* to the 5th power.  AJ fakes out Bin Laden by entering from the ceiling (he's currently waiting at the door with a safety padding of a handful of wives), AJ lands in a crouched position with missile lock in her eyes.  Tak
Cover via Amazones out 5 wives, clean shot to the forehead.  Osama (I'll have to double check the spelling with Fox News) craps his pants.  His hands are shaking so bad he drops his gun--dumbstruck.  He realizes the "Evil West" is done playing games (we pulled out the AJ, since the Taliban alone isn't really blockbuster material).   AJ- double front flip with a 180, snags a conveniently placed pull-up bar.  Swings over his shoulder from behind, ninja leg squeeze.  Osama drops to the floor, time of death--who cares.  AJ-reverse stealth out of there, rides in the back of an old truck smiling, as the sun begins to rise.  Navy seals arrive emptying clips on B Lad.  AJ- tropical beach.  Ship with B Lad sets sail and the lights in the ship cut out.  Autopsy moved to main deck.  Drinking game leads to truth or dare.  Dare- throw B Lad into the deep blue, after removal of his head (there Navy Seals, just because they're heavily intoxicated doesn't mean they're too irresponsible to save the head for testing).

I'm not saying I was there, but I've seen enough movies to know how this stuff goes down.

Now that we've debriefed and solved most mysteries,  we can count on Trump to close the deal.  Now, can we get back to other matters of importance.  I want to know- is Cappadonna officailly the tenth member of WuTang Clan or not?  I know different members of the clan have made statements to the press informing us that he is in fact a member, but I want to see documentation!  It seemed official on "The W" album, then we had some drama.  If he was reunited, why isn't he pictured with the clan on the "8 diagrams" album.  I don't think Ol' Dirty Bastard is going to come back from the dead to cast his official vote.  Maybe Trump could also get the ball rolling here too?  While we're at it can I vote in Redman?
Cover of Wu-Tang Clan
I think I'm entitled...

Related articles

• The Navy SEAL Team 6 Weapons and Gadgets That Brought Down Osama bin Laden (uwtreasures.wordpress.com)
• Navy SEALs, the 'quiet professionals,' got bin Laden (ac360.blogs.cnn.com)
• Pakistan and Osama bin Laden: What did they know? | The Economist (policyabcs.wordpress.com)