Tree-hug this...

Don't you hate it when you're walking down the hall and there is a single oncoming citizen.  You reach the 15 foot proximity, and your auto-sensor presses the anxiety chemical-release button, realizing that you are going to have to choose to go right or left.  This would also be a good time to stop and wait, or pretend to tie your shoe.  Instead, like a idiot (but much less of an idiot than your opponent) you keep walking.  Hesitation, nervousness, lack of confidence, and self-doubt.  You and your opponent continue approaching each other, and then your eyes lock.  You're thinking, "crap do I really have to do this."  The problem is two vectors are heading directly towards each other.  Either one or both of you needs to break the path and go around.  What you both do is break in the same direction, then realizing the mistake you both bounce back.  You do this back and forth game for a while, in a charade that looks like retarded tango, then finally someone breaks the pattern and you can proceed.

I got caught in one of these stupid dances yesterday while snowboarding.  We mirror each other for a while then, sick of the bouncing, I sit down to let me opponent pass.  So what would be the thing to do?  He should go around me, since I yielded like a gentleman.  Instead this punk just stands there, obviously wanting a confrontation.  I wait another minute or two, but he's still there.  Tired of waiting, I proceed.  And you know what that es oh bee did?  He knocked me clean over, then he proceeded.  Right now I should let you know, this oncoming traffic was a tree.  Clearly I don't stand a good chance against a living organism that has several roots holding it to the ground.  So he knocked me clean over.  If you happen to have friended my mother-in-law on facebook, you would have see what it looks like after you get knocked down by a tree.   Well this is what it felt like-

Personally I've had it with this crap.  Not until all these freaking tree-huggers came around, did these trees have so much power.  We let them totally dominate.  So now I'm going to take the power back.  This whole incident happened really quick, but I was able to seal the memory of that tree's face in my mind.  Being the sketch artist I am, I've copied him here-

I wouldn't put it passed the tree-huggers to be harboring this nasty tree somewhere.  I just want all you hippies to know, Imma get mine.  Until you turn him in, I will wastefully print (on a fresh non-recycled sheet of paper) this Wanted sign, every thirty seconds.  This will continue until I get me revenge.

My head will not be punished by some stubborn tree who's trying to make a name for himself.

Don't be the one nature loving human, who tries to put this whole accident on me.  Remember, I gave him the right of way and he chose to stand there (like an idiot), waiting to punish a harmless heart-of-gold snowboarder.

This is also for Bono...