Subaru...

Dear Subaru Drivers,

I realize that there is a certain image you are trying to uphold.  I just want you to know I get it, you're cautious.  You love to drive slow.  In theory, your vehicle should be among the top performers for driving in the snow.  I'm a bit of a skeptic here, because I've yet to see you come anywhere near a velocity that would necessitate all wheel drive.  The normal person sees the speed limit as a minimum speed.  We adhere to that minimum speed, because it lowers our blood pressure and keeps our mouths clean enough to speak to God each night.  Can't you see when you not only choose to see the speed limit as a max speed, but when you make a point of not even approaching that max it is bad for everyone's health?  Yes, I'm sure you have 10 cats at home, that understand you better than any human, so you don't need us or our wasteful usage of plastic grocery bags.  

Just know that I'm on to you.  I see you walking around in your fleece vest, as if a sleeveless "jacket" provides the perfect climate control, no matter the weather.  You think you look so rugged with your hiking boots, who's biggest excursion comes when you find the furthest parking space from the store.  I guess we can thank you for that.  I know you're trying to be this super righteous human, but for the love please turn on your hazards and just drive in the emergency lane.  I don't know if you never have anywhere to get to in a hurry, or if you're one of those freaks that leaves an hour early to make sure you arrive first.  Just know, the rest of the world is in a rush so if you're not going to join in, get the frick out of the way!

Dear Subaru corporation or some communist country,

I just wanted to right you to offer a proposal that could double you're revenue.  I believe that by simply reducing the size of your brake pedal and increasing the size of your gas pedal, it will redevelop your image by reaching an entirely new market.  If sales don't increase immediately, be patient, because this should at least remove Subaru from the list of substitute curse words.  Then I can stop telling my friends I'm about to go take a subaru, which really means I gotta go #2.

Sincerely,

A concerned citizen