It hurts so good...

Image via WikipediaSo there I am modern-day slave.  My mother-in-law tells me, "build me a deck, NOW!  And it better be done before you start school, or else..."
I reply, "Yes'm, I go build deck.  Please don't beat me, Mama."

So I'm out at Home Depot with Mom's American Express.  I'm doing all I can to give that magnetic strip a frictionless surface (I'm used to getting my credit card declined when I try to purchase something for like $8.  So I have to split the transaction between 3 cards, some pocket changes, and a counterfeit baseball card [silly cashiers will believe anything].  So, imagine what it's like for me to walk around with the AmEx.).  So, I get some wood to build scaffolding.  Ol' man gets home and tells me the scaffolding is a P.O.S..  Then, he about blows his top to learn that I spent $20 on wood to build it.  He says it "DOLL ERRS", rather than twenty bucks.  You know how I feel about money talk (If you know my in-laws, you know they're loaded.  All that money and stingy as could be.  They love making me build a deck that has more square feet than my home.  Just rub that money in my face.)  So when I ask Ol' man to rent some scaffolding, he just laughs at me.  Than he tells me to move my truck full of wood and tools off of their 100 foot drive, and to re-park his Lexus.  Excuse me!  I'm sorry I wasn't raised in a state that values potatoes and patriotism over safety and education!  Don't pretend that you don't know what I'm talking about Ol' man.

So there I am, working away on my home-made, definitely NOT OSHA compliant, scaffolding.  I did my best to build it to last.  As I had about 4 more joist to place, I could tell that the structural integrity of the scaffolding was definitely in question.  I planned to add reinforcement, but fearing the belt, I kept working away.  Mom's glaring at me through the window, shaking her head in shame, every 20 minutes.  I'm running out of excuses for why it's taking me sooo long.

Second to last joist to put up, and gravity seems to be accelerating.  Had I only added that extra reinforcement.  I don't want the joist to land on me, and if I throw it the scaffolding will collapse even quicker.  So I stand there, like and idiot, as the scaffolding crumbles below me.

The Ol' man declines the worker's comp claim.  To stick it further in my face, he pays off the judge.  The case is thrown out.  GAME OVER.  I lost.

The details are all sketchy at this point (probably amnesia from the fall).  So I may have exaggerated the story a little for effect (Ol' man will be proud of me there, cuz that's how he tells stories.  Details are only as important, as the reaction they provoke.  His people will probably have this blog censored before it even posts).

The point is, I got a boo-boo and people need to feel sorry for me.

Be careful out there, a lot of disfunctional wood at Home Depot.

That's what she said (but not to me)...